Life in the Fast Lane: What men wish women knew about men

19^th Sunday after Pentecost 

 September 21, 2008

 

I don’t know if you all knew this or not, but I’ve had our sermon series planned out since last April through next Easter.  I have to tell you, I have really been looking forward to this one, Life in the Fast Lane.  One of the reasons is because of how it relates to my own life; another reason is because many have expressed to me concerns and issues that, once everything is stripped away, really boils down to living life in the fast lane; and a third reason is because every time I thought of this series, all I could hear were God’s Words, “Be still, and know that I am God.”

That says two things.  One, be still; be quiet.  Stop talking and thinking and acting like you’re in charge, because you’re not.  And two, God is God, not anyone else.  And yet we live in a time of unprecedented advancement and change.  Just think how much life has changed, even in the past twenty years.

Twenty years ago, there were three channels on TV – ABC, CBS, and NBC.  Some people may have had PBS available to them.  If you were real rich, maybe you jumped on board with this new-fangled thing called ‘cable TV’ or Satellite TV where you had a 6 to 8 foot dish in your backyard. 

Twenty years ago if you owned a computer, most likely you had to hook it up to the back of your TV.  Most computers had 8 mgs of RAM, but if you spent thousands of dollars, you could get one with a whopping 32 mgs.  Of course you couldn’t actually do anything with the computers beyond playing some games, and anything you wanted to save had to be put on a 5 ¼ inch floppy disk that you had to be careful you didn’t bend lest you lose your data.  There really was no e-mail or internet back then.

Twenty years ago the average price for a gallon of gas was under $1.00; Cassette tapes were replacing the vinyl record, and, though it varied in different states, the average speed limit on expressways throughout the country was 55 miles per hour.

Today the average home has at least two televisions, both of which are usually hooked up to cable or satellite TV, each getting upwards of at least 130 different channels.  In fact, 98% of homes in the United States have at least two television sets, while only 96% of homes in the U.S. have indoor plumbing.  Think about that one for a moment.

Today most homes have at least one computer, and many have computers or laptops for each member of the family.  These computers we have today look like space-age technology compared to twenty years ago, and children as young as 6 and 7 years old are being taught how to use computers and the internet in school.  The life cycle for technology turns over every 12 to 18 months.  That means that real expensive computer or high end TV you just bought last month will be obsolete and ‘old school’ at this time next year.

Let’s not talk about the prices of a gallon of gas… 

Today the cassette tape has been replaced with the CD, and the CD is getting replaced with iPods and downloadable music.  As for speed limits on expressways, what are those?  You’re either flying along at 70 + miles per hour so you don’t get run over, or you’re sitting still in traffic.

We are living life in the fast lane, and the consequences can be seen in our lives, our health, our relationships, and our families.  The biggest consequence is in our relationship with our Savior.  We're going to explore some of these areas in the next few weeks, but today and next week we're going to focus on our relationships here on earth, specifically the family/marriage relationship.

The past few weeks I’ve asked you to kindly fill in your answers to hand-outs in the bulletins.  One side was for the ladies asking, “What women wish men knew about women” and the other side was “What men wish women knew about men.”  Thank you to all of you who responded and handed those in.  The responses were very interesting and eye-opening. 

The reason I asked if you would do that is because life in the fast lane has its most profound impact in the earthly realm on families.  If we lose the family, if we lose relationships, we are losing our lives to the fast lane, and God would have it differently for His children.  What’s more, the family is a reflection of God’s relationship to us as our Heavenly Father.  No, our families are not perfect, and yes, they are marred by sin, but ideally – in a perfect world – when someone looks at a Christian family (dad, mom & children) they would hopefully see a reflection of God’s relationship to His children.  When we spend our lives in the fast lane, we’re not connecting with our Heavenly father, and it eats away at our relationship with Him, which in turn eats away at our relationship with our earthly family.  That’s why we’re starting this series with this focus on family and marriage.

There are some here today who are married, and this message will hit right home for them.  Others are single through either the passing or divorce of a spouse, or simply because you’ve not been married.  These messages will also speak to you as you work and interact with members of the opposite gender: your parents, your siblings, your children and your grandchildren; and as you begin to meet people and get into relationships that may lead to marriage.  In all aspects, we will be looking at timeless truths for us as we live and move and have our being as children of God; sinners in a fallen world that operates in the fast lane.

Now, someone has to go first.  Someone has to be the one to go first in a series like this, especially when you ask for men and women to respond to questions like we did the past couple of weeks.  We are going to start with the men this week, answering the question, “What men wish women knew about men.  Now don’t worry, I’m going to get to us guys next week!  In fact, guys – no fair not coming next Sunday because you don’t want to hear what the ladies have said they really need us to know!

We are going to begin by looking at what God says about the relationship between women and men in the book of Ephesians chapter 5, verse 33.

Ephesians is the 9^th book in the New Testament, so the order goes, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – the Gospels that tell about Jesus’ ministry, death and resurrection; then comes the book of Acts that tells about the outpouring of the Holy Spirit; then come the Epistles, literally the letters.  In light of Jesus’ ministry, and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, how shall we live?  The order goes Romans, 1^st and 2^nd Corinthians, Galatians and then Ephesians.  Again we are going to chapter 5, verse 33.  It’s a simple verse, but contains a powerful wallop, especially as we live our lives in the fast lane.  In the verses prior to this one, the Holy Spirit has been talking about the marriage bond between a man and woman, and He summarizes it in verse 33 by saying, “Each one of you {husbands} must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Again, whether you are married or not, the implication of the verse is the same: men love the women in your lives like you love yourself, and ladies, respect the men in your life.

Does this mean men don’t have to respect women, and women don’t have to love men?  No, not at all!  It’s just that we are made and wired differently, and we each – men and women – have one of two choices: we can celebrate the ways we are different and use them to complement each other in our family, or we can turn those differences into challenges and obstacles that will result in hard feelings, damaged relationships, and lingering effects on the next generation.   

We’re different, that’s for sure, yet there seems to be a desire on both men and women’s hearts to change the other to be more like them.  Ladies, let me ask you something point blank: do you really want the men in your life to be more like you?  Men, do you really want the women in your life to be more like you?  Really?  Thank God – literally! – Stacey is not more like me: I could never live with me if I was married to myself!

God has made us different, and has done so with a purpose.  We’re going to explore this purpose a little more next week, but it boils down to God intending there to be a partnership between men and women, especially in marriage and parenthood. 

A study was done last year of thousands of men in different walks of life.  A researcher named Shaunti Feldhahn did the work and wrote a couple of books, one entitled “For Men Only” and the other “For Women Only” based on what her research revealed.  I encourage you to read one or both of these books.

Feldhahn found that God’s word in Ephesians 5:33 still applies to today.  Overwhelmingly, men made it clear that knowing the women in their lives respect them is by far the most important thing to them.  In fact, ladies listen to this: many men expressed the same sentiment: “I could go the rest of my life never hearing from my wife that she loves me, as long as I knew she respected me.”

That’s very foreign to women, many of whom would say, “I need to hear that I am loved, and then from that love flows respect for me.”  And yet, here we are in Ephesians hearing God’s instruction to women – respect the men in your lives.  Knowing they are respected will make the biggest difference in the relationship they have with you. 

It really shouldn’t amaze us anymore, but it does.  God’s Word is still just as true and applicable today as it was when it was written.  Are we paying attention to it?

So, what did the men at LCC have to say in what they wrote?  How can the women in their lives help them to know they are respected; that they are loved?  I organized the responses into general themes.

Overwhelmingly, ladies, the men in your lives want you to know they are not women.  Now that may sound silly, but think about it for a second: God has created you and blessed you with intuition and emotions He has not given to men.  He has given us other gifts, and that’s the point: the gifts God gave to you are not the gifts He gave to men.  The way God has wired you is not the way God has wired us.

You all know I’m not a country music fan, but Brad Paisley sings a song called, “Remember, I’m still a guy.”  Some of the lyrics go:

When you see a deer, you see Bambi,
And I see antlers up on the wall.
When you see a lake, you think picnics,
And I see a large mouth {bass} up under that log.
…You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy,
And I’d like to give it a whirl.
Well love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of
And in a weak moment I might walk your sissy dog,

hold your purse at the mall;
But remember, I’m still a guy.

Remember, I’m still a guy.  Not ‘bad’, not ‘wrong’, just different.  Thank God that you are able to have the strong emotions you do and sense when things are ‘off’, but we don’t have those same kinds of emotions and senses.  Do men cry?  Sure we do: lose an arm or a leg in guerilla warfare deep in some jungle, and we might shed a tear because of the pain. 

Of course I’m joking, but the point is, we don’t live on the same emotional plain.  In fact one of the responses turned in said it very plainly: ‘function, not emotion.’  I’m not exactly sure where this man was going with this thought, but it does remind us of something: men solve problems and complete tasks.  We were made that way.  You can write the following scripture reference in your Bibles next to the verses in Ephesians.  In Genesis 2:15 it says plainly, “God put the man in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.”  It’s been hard-wired in men since the beginning: men do, not necessarily ‘feel’ and ‘talk’ about things.

It’s difficult for men, ladies, because think of the fast lane we live in.  99% of the time when men are confronted with a problem, we’re expected to solve it.  If the toilet’s overflowing, do you really want your husband or son or father to respond by saying, “I need to talk about how the overflowing toilet makes me feel”?  No!  You want them to go fix it!  It’s hard to turn that off sometimes (and men, perhaps you’re already getting an idea of one of the things the ladies here said they need from us).  Instead of getting mad at us, or trying to change us when we react to things the way we are expected to 99% of the time, tell us simply: “I need you to listen to me, not to try and solve anything.”  If we mess it up and jump in and try to come up with a solution, tell us again, “No solutions, just listen and talk with me.”  Men, one of the best questions I have ever learned to ask Stacey is, “Are you wanting me to fix this or listen?” 

Lest you begin to think that men are heartless and are just about getting things accomplished, a number of responses also revealed that men need their own private space and time, too.  I know, ladies, that many times it may feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders with career, home, marriage and children, but guess what?  The men in your lives feel that same way, too.  There needs to be communication and sharing of duties and challenges for sure, but understand, men get overwhelmed, too, especially as we live in the fast lane.  One response said it pretty clearly, “Men need quiet time, too.”  You can write this scripture reference: Luke 6:12 – One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.  Even Jesus needed time away from the hub-bub of the world around Him, and the writers of the Gospel record times when Jesus went by Himself to pray.  If Jesus had to pray, if Jesus had to have alone time, what does that say for the rest of us, men and women?

Another thing that the study I mentioned earlier by Shaunti Feldhahn revealed, is that men have insecurities.  Many times, ladies, we’re walking around hoping no one catches on that we’re not sure if we’re doing the right thing.  But you know why men often feel like that?  Because our society has told us over and over again, “you aren’t doing the right thing.”  We’ve talked about this before.  In our culture, especially in the media, men are usually either portrayed as the tough-as-nails, look-out-‘cause-here-I-come-and-nothing-can-stop-me-now Arnold Schwarzenegger types, or the good-for-nothing-but-laughing-at-and-making-fun-of Homer Simpson types.  Both standards have been set by Hollywood and the media.  One is completely out of reach for any man, and because of that we often get put into the other category of “Homers.”  The sad thing is after you hear it over and over and over again, in our world, in our family, we start to believe that it might be true – we really are Homers.  Some of the most angry, or demanding, or headstrong or distant men you come in contact with are often very insecure.  It goes right back to that respect thing: let the man know you respect him, and watch the insecurities begin to fall away.

Two more things: one, ladies the men in your life want you to know that though we may not say it as often as you’d like to hear it, or as often as we should or in the ways we should, we do love and value you.  Often the way we show that is through the things we do.  Remember, men are do-ers.  The next time your husband or father or son comes up to you covered in grease and grime and tells you they finally got that old lawn mower running, that’s one way of them telling you they love you, crazy as that may sound to you.  Instead of saying, “You’re getting dirt all over the floor!”, say “I love you, too.”

That will do two things to us, by the way.  First, we’ll take it as you saying you are proud of us, that you respect us, and two, it will remind us that we need to be more cognizant of how we tell you we love you. 

Secondly, in the area of intimacy, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that we’re different.  We’re going to talk about this next week as it relates to what women wish men knew about women, but for today, ladies, know that men are visual and physical beings.  In Genesis 2 God records for us the creation of Eve, and when she was presented to Adam.  We’re going to use these same verses next week, but for today, when Adam saw Eve he said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”  Another way you might be able to phrase that in today’s language, is that when Adam saw Eve he said, “Hot dog!!”

There is an impossible standard out there for women, too, also perpetrated by Hollywood and the media and supermodels.  Here’s the thing wives: the men in your lives are not looking for you to be super models.  At the same time, the men are not looking for you to be the bearded lady at the circus, either.  At the same time, men want to know you are interested enough in how they feel and are wired, to make an effort to reach out to them at a level they will resonate with.  Now men, be prepared, because the women who filled out the surveys also had some things they want us to know regarding this area.  More on that next week, though.

We’re living life in the fast lane, and the toll is our relationships in our homes and with our God.  Today we looked at one aspect of the toll on the home, next week we’ll look at the other aspect as we see what women wish men knew about women.  It’s a God-ordained and God-blessed thing, and not something we want to lose in the fast lane.

In the meantime, hopefully this has given some food for thought for the ladies here today, and at the same time, helped to begin the thought process for the men.  We’ll dig into that more next week.

Amen.